how quaint that today is the day that i can write about whatever i want? so, ill write about my boyfriend. hes a green eyed, blonde hair cutie that is crazy about me, which is really surprising. i can see myself being with him for a long time. Jay said that it seemed like i dont like him that much, but i really, really do. and i think i will only admit it here, where my friends dont read it. i guess i feel like ill get judged if i act how over the moon i am, if i dont stop smiling like how i want, if i cant keep my hands off of him like how i cant.
its weird, and im trying to tread carefully, since he is my first boyfriend. its kinda scary, jumping into the unknown. i owned being single. i didnt like it but i didnt hate it, and i was happy more than i wasnt. now, i dont know how to act or what to do. i want to jump in feet first but then i want to ease into it.
i feel like i could love him, which is odd. ive been on the fence about love for quite some time, (in a letter i wrote to S, i said “i dont know if i believe in love. god either. but i think that you cant believe in one and not the other. they say god doesnt exist because you cant prove him through science, but you cant prove love through it either. and both have been around forever – a higher power, a ruling power, and love. so why believe in one fairy tale and not the other?) but the urge to say “i love you” is there. its not strong, but its there. isnt it funny that we have only been dating for two days? it feels like longer though, like its been months.
i can imagine myself being out with him in public, holding hands, and finally the urge to tell him gets to be too much for me that i cant even contain myself. then id smack my hand over my mouth in awe. thats totally something i would do.
anyway, i am happy with him. but, im apprehensive about physicality. one of his girlfriends and him had a lot of sex, and that was around freshman year, and then his recent ex gf and him started getting physical early on. i have about zero experience, and i dont know anything about anything. i wish i had a stranger to talk to about sex, someone i can put all my fears into and ask them whatever question i want, so that i can know, and not feel awkward about it. my goal is to wait until after six months to do it with him, to lose my virginity, and i hope i do. id rather us be dating half a year than like, a quarter of a year.
this friday, my friend is having a party and were all going. its going to be great. but, his recent ex gf, and i mean recent, like 3 weeks maybe, will most likely be there. she is pretty sure i broke them up so i could steal him, when that wasnt what happened at all. but, that is what she thinks, and though i dont care, she likes drama and the likelihood of her starting some is pretty high. doesnt matter though, because one of my new good friends will be there to back me up or get me out of there. im not one for confrontation, like at all, but i do have a razor tongue and i will cut you.
anyway, thats what tickles my fancy. life is good. ❤