b&b writes (1)

blah, sorry I haven’t posted.
I tweeted that I left my phone in Mass. while I went on a field trip to New York, and by time I got back it was Saturday.

anyway, if you remember, I want to be a writer. when I’m not blogging, hanging out or in school, I’m writing. actually, sometimes I write in school. I started this blog as a way to write my stories and hopefully get feedback while mixing in other things. I’ve strayed away from the books part of boysandbooks.com but no more! I’m going to try to post excerpts from things I’m working on.

and to kick off my new section of posts… let’s call it “b&b writes”

so, in my mind, there is a perpetual inner monologue. I write stories in my mind about everything. I could be walking to the store and in my head it would go:
” as the cars rushed by she did everything but look in the cars. she feared the look on their faces would be mocking, or full of pity. “oh look at the poor girl” one lady would say to her husband as she put her hand on his arm, “all by herself and its so cold out! the poor dear. let’s stare at her” so, she busied herself. she cleaned her fingernails as she was wont to do, she watched her step because she was very clumsy and could trip on the tiniest twig, and she wiggled her pinky finger that was oddly double jointed. “

yeah, I’m pretty weird. and so I miiiight start working on a NY story, though at the moment I’m re-writing a short story I wrote about a man who revisits the church he attended while he was a kid and was raped by the pastor at after 20 years. (lemme know if you want me to post that one)

anyway, this is what I thought of when I was in New York City.

an excerpt from “The City So Nice They Named It Twice”

Today was December 4th. It was a clear day, hardly any wind, and it was around 7 at night. When you looked up at the sky (if you could see it between all those skyscrapers) there would be zero stars to sparkle your eyes and ignite your wonder of the universe. Normally, New Yorks air pollution covered all but a few incredibly bright and hot stars, but tonight was a different night.
New York had decided it was time to start the holiday season and had befitted every building worth knowing with obnoxiously bright lights.
NYC is a very popular tourist stop. “SEE AMERICA! VISIT NEW YORK CITY! LET OUR LIGHTS DAZZLE YOU! THIS IS TRUE AMERICANA!” I imagined that was written on all the brochures the travel people pushed on foreign peoples and the wide-eyed yucks from the Mid-West dust bowl. at least, that was the gist of what they fed me.
10 years ago, I was like the tourists I was shoving past now, bright-eyed and bushy tailed, my camera glued to my eye as I took pictures of everything and anything.
“Oh look! There’s a snowflake dancing with a gingerbread man in that window! *click* Aw! A little girl has her nose pressed against the glass of FAO Schwartz! *click* Wow! Real people are bustling in and out of – OH MY GOSH DO YOU SEE THAT TREE!? ITS HUGE! *click click click click* “
Where was that camera, anyway? Probably stored inside the box that held all of my over-priced souvenirs.
There are 3 types of people in New York. There’s the tourist who will buy anything, there’s the rich man who gets the money from the tourist, and there’s the regular guy who gets by on the other regular guys money.
In Rockefeller Center, you’ll see many brightly lit shops with huge displays and expensive storefronts. Inside, the only people you see shopping are the rich people with peacoats and suits underneath, and tourists. There are 2 kinds of tourists, the kinds that are blantly a tourist, with camera in hand and a color coordinated map or the tourist who read the “don’t look like a tourist” handbook cover to cover and made themselves look so normal that its not, and in the end, its obvious they are tourists.
I hate tourists. I hate expensive stores that only exist to cater to the rich. If I went into, say, Micheal Kors the doorman would give me the quaint greeting he gives everyone else, coupled with the look that goes “please stop wasting space, I know your not buying anything.”
I hate New York. No, that’s a lie. I hate fake New York.
Fake New York only exists to further the rich mans economy. In fake NY, you’ll be dazzled right out of your money by the bright lights and the beautiful people in the store window. This part of NY easily hides its debt, what with its shows on every corner, the Naked Cowboy, Radio City Music Hall, and The Top Of The Rock, the only building that will charge you an outrageous amount of money so you can look at a big tree and watch other people skate. And oh! you can buy a small cup of hot chocolate for quadruple what’s its worth.
Most people walking the brightly lit sidewalks of New York are expecting the stars of Gossip Girl to come around the corner, or Tina Fey to say something witty to them. They think NY is a wonderful place filled with wonderful people when, in fact, it isn’t.
Oh, I’m sorry, I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Andrew Billards. Yeah, like the game. Its nice to meet you. Actually, it isn’t. But this is NY, and this city is a city of pretend, so why don’t we keep on pretending like we like each other when we don’t. Don’t worry, if you still like me, you won’t when I’m done telling you my story.

So you know all about NY now. The REAL NY. You remember I moved here 10 years ago, right? When I was a deeply impressionable 18 year old. God, I was stupid. I saw the Pretty Lights and I was hooked. Moved out here the first chance I got. Shoulda stayed in the Dust Bowl.
I’m not the only one who feels this way, you know. I have a friend, his names Hank and he is a stunner. He works in Rockefeller Center, god bless him. And he hates fake NY more than anyone I know. He’s killer smart too. Graduated from NYU top of his class. He’s my roommate. We are definitely a pair. Him with his black hair, blue eyes, porcelain skin and his black peacoat compared to my dirty blonde hair, brown eyes and dusty jacket I’ve been wearing since god-knows-when is quite a sight.
Appearances can be decieving, though. Just as NY isn’t what it pretends to be, neither is Hank. Hank has been boiling inside for a loooong time. He’s used his smarts to plan something, something big, a la Fight Club, but bigger. And I was helping him. By Christmas Eve, everything anyone knew about New York would be flipped on its head.
I pushed past a tourist and simultaneously stole his wallet. Easy. I usually stayed away from this part of the city, but I was going to meet Hank. We had some work to do.

end excerpt.

I realize that the whole thing shoulda been in italics, but I don’t like the way italics looks.

anyway, that’s some of my story! let me know what you think, please. I feel like a misguided ghost sometimes with writing. I never know if I should pursue it as a career or do something else.

anyway x2, here’s what I learned from my day in New York.

1. They jack up the prices on things and when you question it they go “hey, its New York!”

2. some tourists are really mean and will do anything for a picture

3. some tourists are really nice and when you gets seperated from your group they help you

4. some pizza guys like to make conversation with you but when you need something to put your slice in, they’ll give your friend a box for her plate of chicken and you a bag for your pizza. wtf is that? -__-

5. the tree is definitely worth seeing in person.

6. so is the church and everything around ground zero.

7. the people there are crazy drivers and will drive thisclose to you and won’t even bat an eyelash!

8. they have an inhuman way of knowing how long they have to cross the street (which is about 2 seconds!)

9. the cops drive these itty bitty half car things that I don’t really understand. when they arrest people, do they sit on their lap?

10.! the Rockettes are fun to watch but they kinda overuse that high kick thing and then you get bored and fall asleep. but then they have weird fire works so you wake back up and then its fun to watch!

overall, I enjoyed my time in NY. the last time I went I think was 8 years ago, and it was after christmas. oh! another thing I learned, the tourist malls they have SUCK!

ok, sorry for not posting!
feedback is appreciated!

xo,a

The Bend Before the Break (4)

Seattle artist Dan Corson art installtion at The Suyama Space

1.  Can you please keepyour friends secrets? dont tell your other best friend either. would you want them to “just tell one person”? no!

2.  You know the same route you take to class every day? take another and youll be amazed at the different people youll see.

3.  Stop making out in public! We all know your happ, but save it for inside.  some people cringe at the sound of kissing (i.e. me)

4.  Or at least kiss quietly. Is there a need to smack your lips otgether loudly? no.

5.  If you can manage to go to a party and hook up with a guy, your awesome!

6.  If you go out in not-the-norm clothes sometime, your also awesome. Life is way too short to blend in.

7.  When your single, you should def have 2 guys at once… not sexually, like flirtingly!

8.  Try to not be such a biatch to other people. Karma, karma, karma.

9.  If your walking down the hall/street/whateverand you see a cute boy, dont take out your phone and fake a convo! look him right in the eyes and smile. geez its not that hard.

10.  Alternately, if you see your ex with another girl and your by yourself, fake a convo on your phone and end it as they walk by and say “alright, ill see you tonight babe!” and have a huge smile on your face. but make sure your ringtone volume is OFF 

your great!

xo,a

Relationships and Breakups (part 2)

the post in which b&b talks about break ups (part 2)

if there’s more bad times than good, shouldn’t it end? why is it so hard to break up?

Jay tells me all the time that their relationship can’t last the way its going for long. so I ask her, “why don’t you break up with him?” doesn’t that seem like the logical solution? end it before it gets nasty, before the inevitable break-up turns from mutual to horrible? Jay always tells me “I just can’t see myself without him” what is that? you lived 16 years without him just fine. since when do boys complete our existence? we spend the first part of our lives without them, so adding them should make our life better, and subtracting them should revert us to how we were before. my other friend says the same thing, that she “can’t live without him.” are all girls like this? do we have to act this way to stay in a relationship?

why are we so desperate to keep our status “in a relationship”?

don’t get me wrong, I would love to be in a relationship, and I understand they’re about sacrifice, but not about sacrificing our entire being. perhaps I’m basing my opinion on a few relationships that are the exception to the rule but… I feel like I’m not. and I understand that the person you lose your virginity to is special and will always remain in your heart, but don’t you want your memories to be of the good honeymoon days and not the horrible fights and break up? what’s so wrong with ending it when you know its ending anyway? why go through the hurt? so the next question is…

how do we break up easily?

the answer to me, is a simple, but apparently hard one. when you think about the future of your relationship, and you see a break up… then do it now before it gets worse. please, please, if you get anything from this post, break up if he cheats on you. there is no excuse. when people blame being drunk on something they did, its not true, unless its about falling and/or puking. alcohol lowers your inhibitions so its easier for you to do the things you want to do without any thought to the consequences. so, girls aren’t supposed to ask out guys, or break up with them? is it really hard to say “its over” or “I think we should break up”? since when do we need a reason anyway? is love not about wanting the best for your love, even if it means their best isn’t with you? its easy to see a bad relationship and go “they should break up” but what about when YOU are in the bad relationship? I just want you to be happy! geez.

so what is the moral of this post?

relationships are complicated. its not the end of the world if you end one. the unknown is not bad.

after all, your next relationship may be the best yet.

I love you guys!
xo, a

Relationships and Breakups (part 1)

the post in which b&b talks about relationships, part one

couples. I see them walking down the halls in school, on the street, on tv, even in my own house. they’re always holding hands, loudly kissing, being aggressively overprotective of each other. they are everywhere, and to the perpetually single people out there (i.e., me), their extremely annoying.
my best friend has been dating her current boyfriend for 10 months, a record for her. I am happy for her, a bit jealous of her (she always gets the guys), and tired of her. let’s call her Jay. Jay the best friend is an awesome girl! I’ve been best friends with her for 4 years and hopefully counting. but Jay the girlfriend drives me crazy.

what is it about relationships that turns girls into putty?

watching my best friend and her bf makes me ask myself this daily. Jay and her bf have been dating for a very long time, and with all relationships comes fighting. they fight constantly, every. single. day. and 2 seconds later, their fine! I don’t understand! Jay will say how much she hates him, can’t stand him, is tired of fighting every day, and later there’s just a sorry and its all fine and dandy. what happened to my friend? when she was single, she was never a… she never… she stood her ground. she would always say how she would never let a boy tell her what to do, she would be herself but just have a boyfriend be her enhancing half. now? its annoying. her and her bf got in a huge fight and she told me “I’m not talking to him for 3 days” and she didn’t even make it one. one! and she had a legit reason to be mad! what is this? is this was a penis does?!

do we have to give up who we are in order to be in a lasting relationship?

NO! your saying. NO! relationships are wonderful, wonderful, wonderful things! boyfriends are our other halfs, they complete us! they don’t take away! oh? don’t they? are you in a relationship? are you completely and totally open with him? does everything you do or say completely mesh with him? didn’t think so. even the “perfect” relationships have secrets.
I have a friend (yeah I know, so many friends! [cue eye roll]) who’s been dating her bf for 2 years. next to Jay’s disaster of a relationship, hers is a trainwreck. they cheat on each other, lie to each other, break up and make up constantly and won’t stay broken up because… I really don’t know. they say they love each other.

is TV/movie/book love an illusion? is my friends version of love the only version of love?

does the media feed us a fake story of love that makes us completely unprepared for real-life love? is this what we have to look forward to? why is it that the relationships we grow up wishing for are nothing like the relationships we actually get? do I have a warped sense of reality? is it too much to ask for a relationship not full of lies and unhappiness?

why don’t we leave when its obvious we should?

relationships (to me at least) go like this:
stage 1: at first; its amazing, the honeymoon period if you will. there is no fighting. they’re getting to know each other and everything is new.
stage 2:then, you become comfortable, the new relationship sheen wears away a tiny bit.
stage 3:next, more fighting, more wearing away, still happy
stage 4:finally, fighting every day, one or both get bored, eyes wander. most couples don’t survive this stage
stage 5:after ? who knows? does it disintegrate into that relationship where they hate eachother but stay together anyway? or when they survive they restart?
Jay and her bf have reached stage 4. my other friend has passed it. they have a lot in common: fight with their boyfriends, lie, cheat, but say they love them. shouldn’t they break up?

stay tuned for part 2, when b&b talks about break ups

The Types of Guys Out There

from my observations, all guys can be seperated into categories, and depending on the category, their behavior is easily determined. because I love you, I’m making a list! it will have type, phrase, behavior, and more. (if you have objections or additions, leave it in a comment and ill add or correct it)

type: THE SKATER (also: SURFER, BLADER)

behavior: skates… a lot. main concern is skating, the weather (sunny is the best skating weather, snowy/rainy the worst), and new or better parts for their board. if you date one, even if your an awesome gf, they will ditch you for skating if the conditions are perfect.
how to get him: be chill, don’t ask him to ditch his skater friends, like skate related things, know the names of skate moves, be a fan of weed and skater style
pros: balanced, agile, nice style- most of the time, knowledgeable of skating moves, cool with a lot of guys, easy to shop for
cons: typically likes weed, alcohol, partying, unabashed ditcher, not to smart, slacker, likes to watch skate videos all the time, can sometimes dress crappy
where to meet him: where else? skate parks. or anywhere there is a place to ollie, a smooth street, outside your school
common phrase: “Wanna play S.K.A.T.E?”

type: THE SPORTY GUY

behavior: is there a game on? ask him, he will know. sundays are holy days for a completely different reason to him. he loves to watch sports, play sports, play sports video games, wear his favorite teams jersey, decorate his page with [insert sport here] widgets and scores and pictures. his god is his teams coach/star. good luck getting him for Sunday dinner.
how to get him: if you already like sports your 10 steps ahead of the girls who don’t. ask him the score of his favorite team against their rivals but only if you watched the game and you know they won. or, if you know squat about homeruns, touchdowns and goals, ask him to explain, which he’ll be happy to. ask him to your schools game of his chosen sport, or if he’s on the team, go to his game and tell him he did a good job, make him a sign!
pros: good at sports, knowledgeable on sporty areas, if on a team-in with the other sporty guys, athletic
cons: easily angered if bad is spoken on his team, concerned with the game a little too much, always busy, forgetful, fierce
where to meet him: school sports games (in the stands and on the field/court), in front of the TV, at his friends desk discussing last nights game
common phrase: “Did you catch the game last night?”

type: THE BANDIE (also: MUSIC GEEK, RAPPER)

behavior: you say hi, but he doesn’t answer. why? he’s listening to his iPod – like always. his band is just getting started, but don’t worry – they’ll make it big soon. and even though this is about his fifth band (he left the last 3 cause they were “going in a different direction” and the other 2 he got kicked out b/c he sucks) and he picked up a guitar/bass/drumstick/touched a keyboard/touched the turntable only a couple of months ago, he’s the best EVER. his favorite band is either very generic or incredibly obscure. and its also the best band/rap group since the rolling stones/run dmc/devo/whatever and he knows this. and won’t hesitate to tell you. his notebooks are full of lyrics/raps he’s written, and if he let’s you read them, your in.
how to get him: ask him what he’s listening to. if you like them, tell him, and if you don’t, tell him playfully and it’ll start a debate. if you haven’t listened to them tell him and ask if you can share an earbud (ignore the earwax – ew!). later, comment or post on his wall or whatever and tell him what you thought, and segue into an actual convo
pros: good at choosing music, can make you an awesome mix CD, can charm you with words easily
cons: can be snotty, if you offend his favorite band or his musical effort, he will be mean to you. didn’t you know [insert band/group name here] is the best ever? god.
common phrase: “Their first album was better.”

type: THE BAD BOY(also: THE PLAYER)

behavior: wow, what does this boy not do? every word he says is charming, his hair is in the cutest and least amount of effort needed style, his clothes are cool, this boy shouts cool. too bad he is hardly in school cause he doesn’t like authority. he’s a loose cannon who plays by his own rules. his future shouts drug abuse and early demise, but he doesn’t care. after all, you can fix him… right?
how to get him: I have no idea! I imagine you’d have to appeal to his innocent side that sits in a corner too in awe to move in the face of so much awesome. bake him cookie or something, I don’t know.
pros: what isn’t good about him?
cons: oh yeah, his constant getting-in-trouble, his disregard to the rules, the fact he can’t meet your parents unless you want them to kick him out upon entrance, his scars that he won’t explain, girls underwear you find in his room the next day even though last night he said he was sick, the fact he’ll be stuck in his current grade forever, but that’s alright cause your gunna fix him.
where to meet him: outside during lunch smoking a cigarette on school property, selling drugs to anyone, in the housemasters/principals/headmasters office
common phrase: “hey”

type: THE VIDEO GAMER also: COMIC BOOKER

behavior: this guy loves games. a little too much. all guys have their vice, some healthy, some not. this guy is definitely not healthy. he knows every date for the newest game releases, and he has every system released. he’ll beat you easily in any game worth playing with one hand behind his back. his room has posters of games (oh yeah, they make them), and he even has shirts with his favorite characters on them.
how to get him: be interested in whatever he likes, or at least know a bit about them. challege him to a game and try your best to beat him. if you win, he likes you.
pros: great hand-eye coordination, knows the best places for Mountain Dew, good multi-tasker
cons: pimply, sometimes fat, knows the best places for Mountain Dew
where to meet him: Taco Bell, convienence stores, fast food places in general, gaming stores, the gaming section of Wal-Mart or whatever
common phrase: “owned!”

type: THE GEEK also: THE QUIET GUY

behavior: incredibly smart. alarmingly so. doesn’t really care about fashion, so he wears shorts. all. year. round. knows all formulas everywhere, can tell THE VIDEO GAMER how exactly his game was developed, and beat him with his own codes. can jailbreak your phone or anything really.
how to get him: ask him for help with homework. done.
pros: can help you with your homework, best defense in an intellectual argument, future winner of Jeopardy
cons: won’t hesitate to correct you-ever
where to meet him: school. the calculator section of the store, any place with electronics
common phrase: “No, actually, the correct thing is [phrase to correct you]“

hope this helped!
by the way, guys can be multiple things. for example, my crush is sporty and video gamey.

xo,a

Giving Thanks

hi everyone!
happy thanksgiving!
what time do you guys eat? I feel like I eat wicked early, but I digress.
as everyone everywhere is doing – from blogs to newspapers to english essays to twitter – I will also join in!

there are a lot of things I am thankful for. this is a list and I think I covered them all…

• the makers of Kit-Kats

• the show Glee

• Cory Monteith of Glee (see picture!)

• not breaking any bones or getting swine flu (knock on wood!)

• starting to be humble

• not losing my sense of style (I’ve seen it happen!)

• my baby sister

• Slog, The Stranger’s blog

• being able to write well(?)

• not being able to watch all the TV I want.

• twitter

• failing geometry (b/c I met the boy I like re-taking it)

• global warming (but only a little. I hate snow! and usually by this time we are covered in it)

• the people who read my blog

• being young

• musicals

• video games

• my family loving me even though I don’t really visit them (I’m sorry! ): )

• being a junior and not a senior, because I couldn’t imagine thinking about college right now

• cute boys

• good books

• owl city<3

• the city of Seattle, Washington. the city of my dreams.

• indie music

• you

• my friends who stand by me despite me sometimes being selfish and a know-it-all

• Entertainment Weekly

• food! especially Thanksgiving food!

• every. single. day.

what are you thankful for?

xo, a

The Bend Before the Break (double edition!)

hi hello!
sorry I forgot to post, I was busy prepping for Spirit Week at my school, and I went all out. its my junior year and frosh&soph I didn’t do anything. if your wondering, it was a great success both days AND I talked to my crush, and made him laugh. (:
anyway, if I had stuck to my schedule, Wednesday would be my next post and also new BBTB, so I’m doubling up. enjoy!

1. if you everever feel like you love more than your significant other, you do. you can either keep waiting or get out.

2. my advice is to let them go, there will be someone better out there for you.

3. if your preoccupied with love, or your lack of it, you will miss out on a lot. I know this from experience.

4. your a good person, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

5. candy is awesome, eat as much as you want!

6. have you ever thought of asking out a guy yourself? its 2009! no need to be all old-fashioned. I hate when girls complain no one asks them out and I tell them to ask and they go “why would I do that?” don’t complain if your not willing to do anything about it.

7. a cheesy pick-up line can break the ice AND take the pressure off of you both. did you ever think guys are scared too? just because they act confident doesn’t mean they are, just like how we sometimes act like we are.

8. if you’ve been cheated on and you didn’t break up with him… your crazy. I don’t understand love… if he loves you why did he cheat?

9. boys are dumb. you gotta make yourself clear if you ever wanna get anywhere. don’t say you want chinese when you really want japanese just because you hope he remembers you like japanese. why play mindgames?

10. the secret to a perfect relationship is… there is none! we all make it up as we go along.

11. we have more power than we realize, girls. you know those girls who have boys eating out of their hands? they realized their power.

12. if you ever think nobody loves you, that’s a lie. I do. <3

13. living in the now is really hard for some people (like me) but its sooo important. I’ve missed so much thinking about things that didn’t even matter.

14. I hope your not taking pictures with kissy faces and peace signs still. its 2009 not 2005.

15. stay safe ladies, you gotta take care of yourself. you can’t always depend on the guy for everything.

16. I wanna do a post on love and stuff, so send me your theories on love or what your love is like to beeandbeemail@gmail.com and ill put your submission on here!

17. your friends are your support system, so don’t ignore them because your in a relationship. friends are forever, always.

18. did I mention how great you look today?

19. if your on your phone/facebook/myspace/twitter/the internet more than your talking human-to-human… close out this window and walk away slowly.
(follow me on twitter first! @boysandbooks)

20. don’t send nudes! even if they keep asking! I mean unless your trying to jumpstart your career as a pornstar then by all means…

don’t forget to send your submissions!

xo, a

Why I Don’t Date -or- Why Boys Don’t Date Me

hi hello!
I said I would write a post on boyfriends and my lack of them, so here it tis.

ahh, where to begin? should I begin at my small fear of dating, or my debilitating shyness? perhaps I should start at my crippling reluctance or my not-so-good self image?
hmm. . . so many places to start. I guess the best place is the beginning.

all my life I’ve watched my friends and family try and fail at relationships. I’ve watched them give their all to a guy who dumped them and treated them like they didn’t deserve the air they breathe. I comforted my friends as they wondered why the person they thought would be perfect for them (keep in mind we are only 16 and 17 so its not loooove) gave them up without a second thought, abandoning everything and being cold towards them.
so I guess you might say I’m a little cynical. especially since the one relationship I had, (an I use the term ‘relationship’ in the loosest way possible) was a complete failure. it was terrible. blah. but moving on.
I want to date now. I don’t want to end up alone when I’m older, and I know if I don’t learn how to date and not be selfish and learn basic things I’ll end up alone, or have a really hard time. (google: eriksons theory of intimacy vs. isolation)
but, I don’t want a terrible relationship. I’m so scared that I’m going to end up heartbroken if I take a chance that I don’t take any. I subconciously seperate myself from guys, I try not to talk to them as much or I am mean to them so they won’t like me.
I did this to the boy I am currently crushing on right now. he used to try to talk to me in the beginning of the year but my shyness and my frustration at not having friends in that class made me ignore him.
I don’t know why I do it. well actually I do, I just said so. but I don’t want to. I want to be able to not nitpick a guy just because there might be one thing about him that I do like, or because he likes rap and I like indie. I always find reasons to not go out with someone or not like someone, its a defense mechanism that I don’t need.
its so easy for my friends. though they complain that boys never like them – when they do. in reality, boys never like me. sure, adults think I’m pretty, girls say I’m pretty, but boys never seem to.
so besides not having the looks that attract guys, ( ill post a pic of me on twitpic, you’ll see it if you follow me! (; ) I don’t even have the confidence either. I guess I have my days. some days I’m totally on my game, and I can have an actual conversation with the hottest guy in my school, and some days I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I know everyone has their days, but its like I never have mine. I just think guys don’t think I’m attractive. basically, maybe if I had more confidence they would see it. even girls who you look at and think “wow, that girl will never have a boyfriend” date guys. some people that I know are gross and mean and yet they have significant others.
It’s come to a point that I’ve had people ask me if I’m gay because I don’t date. no! I like guys! men! I don’t look at girls that way! blah. but you see that’s its getting ridiculous. I’m young, I have the whole world in front of me, and yet I have no one to share it with.
my mother doesn’t want me to date. she thinks ill get pregnant though sex kind of scares me too. for some reason she thinks that when teenagers date its all sexsexsex when all I want is dating and companionship, sex can come later, honestly. (oh, question of the day: when do you think is a good time to have sex for the first time? 3 months? 6 months? marriage?) so let’s add my mom bullying me to not date and telling me that I’m not allowed to and boys aren’t worth it to the equation of why I don’t date.
I have a friend who’s pretty sister never dated until she was 21. but that was her choice. I’m definitely not single by choice.
or maybe is it because I’m picky? I mean my tastes have recently changed a bit. I used to like skinny guys who wore skinny jeans and had long hair and liked hardcore music.
now? I like tall, wide-ish guys (not fat) that like rap music. well the guy I’m currently crushing on is like that. really, he reminds me of Cory Monteith from Glee, and he’s funny and nice and stuff.
everyone just says “wait, the perfect person will come to you.” I’m tired of playing the waiting game. how come everyone else can be happy but I can’t? its not fair. i want to be happy, I want to go on my first date, have someone that will buy me presents on holidays and anniversaries, someone to talk to every night, and to kiss and hold. I get to watch everyone else be happy and what not while I am the perpetual third wheel. it sucks.
soo, what do I do? do I take a chance, talk to my crush, let the chips fall where they may? do I stop being so scared of guys and accept the fact that I will have some bad relationships until I find the perfect one, and that no one is perfect, so I shouldn’t be scared?
but I can’t help it. I can’t help but be afraid of the unknown. I can’t help but look into the dark tunnel that is Dating and be hesitated to enter.

I guess what I need is someone to hold my hand and walk through the tunnel with me.

xo, a

oh, btw this is a text convo I just had with a guy that texted me today that pretty much sums this up. . .

him > your young we are young dont jump to conclusions . you never know whats gonna happen . keep your head up
me > haha my head is up, its just a little tired is all. it wants to look down at my hands and see another one holding it
him > ill hold your hand . for what its worth . and let me tell you that that was SO fucking cute

Is This The Real Me -or- Is That The Real Me?

hi hello !
I’m going to do a general post because its Friday and I’m talking to my friend who’s visiting from Georgia! I’m going to post every other day from now on, maybe make every wednesdays BBTB posts?

• on the books front, I’m reading The Scarlet Letterby Nathaniel Hawthorne. by my own accord. not a school assignment, ( in fact, I don’t have English class until next semester ): ) on my phones app. very useful. this book was written in 1850. 1850! this book was written 159 years ago! and I was when they didn’t have electricity, when everything was extremely simplistic. and to think, I’m now reading his book with no paper at all. it blows my mind. I hope I write a book that lasts centuries. I wonder what books will be on in 2168? will the words be transported into your mind? will books be obsolete, and everything we see is on television? will writers cease to exist, and new be reported by eye witnessess only, a la twitter?
anyway, I’m enjoying the book, surprisingly. I like how its not modernized, and that “thee” and “ye” and “thou” are in it. its cool how a book that old is still interesting. I wanna know who the father is, and if Pearl is like supernatural or something? I don’t know, but I like it.

• on the boy front, ha, I’m being a bit of a creep. there’s this boy that I like and I had my friend request him on myspace so I can look at his page. only thing is, his page makes it embarrassing to like him because his page is the generic myspace with lots of apps and weird sayings. I shudder to think of what the music on it might be.
I think its weird that you see someone in reality and their different from how they are on the internet. we create different personas and hope that people like the “fake” us, so that they may like the real us. but who is the real us? don’t get me wrong, sometimes people are the same on the internet and in real life, and some people are completely different. I, for example, am much more shy in real life than I am on the internet. I’m much more honest on my blog and twitter and I actually say what’s on my mind here than when I do when I’m with my friends. but I’m not that different. I still feel and think the same way, I just don’t express it.
are we lying to ourselves and the internet when we don’t act ourselves? or is it ok? some people pretend to be the opposite sex and trick people into falling in love with them. that’s definitely a lie. those people are terrible. that is such a bad thing to do, I know if someone tricked me id be angry. the point of this ramble is that on the internet, we embellish, sometimes a bit, sometimes a lot.

and that’s not always a bad thing.

xo, a

the Bend Before the Break -or- the Bright Side

hello lovelies (:

1. don’t be terribly mean to the poor guys who work up the courage to ask you out and you are not at all interested. how would you feel if you asked a guy out and he was like “ew no.” ?

2. guys have feelings too, I’ve heard. respect them!

3. why don’t you bake something for thanksgiving? cookies are simple and universally loved. and everyone will remember the delicious num nums you baked!

4. that smile and wave thing totally works. I used it and the hottest guy in my school talked to me. SMILE AND WAVE GIRLS!

5. if you haven’t made out with a guy in like, forever, just say something like “I’m a little rusty, but don’t worry, I’ll get much better” (;

6. drink lotsa water! it’s an easy way to clear your skin, lose weight, and feel better!

7. I know you may think that the guy your with is the one your gunna be with forever, but def think twice before you give your virginity away. if/when you guys break up, you may or may not regret it. and how much will it suck when your daughter asks how you lost your virginity and you have to make up a story because you don’t wanna tell her you lost it to some guy who you loved and when you broke up he treated you like crap.

8. alternately, keeping your virginity is awesome! I’m still a virgin. but don’t wait to long, it could lead to dysfunction! :O ( http://www.newser.com/story/12916/twentysomething-virgins-risk-later-sex-problems.html ) but its worse for men. hmm, we can use this to our advantages ladies! new pick up line “hey baby, let’s do it now, we wouldn’t want you peen to not harden” . . . ill work on that aha.

9. keeping this one short. . . use condoms!

10. people notice if you make the extra effort. mascara, eyeliner, blush – used correctly, they get you second glances.

until tomorrow loves,

xo, a